Social Connections
8/7/22
I've been thinking about this on and off today and wanted to share my thoughts:
I'm a ‘well known’ handshake critic, social commentator, and long facebook post maker. I notice and observe things which I find insightful, while in no way being an expert hand shaker (I sometimes request in advance that the shaker spare my brittle and elderly hand bones). Anyways this post is about some really exciting $$$$ and there's a prize at the bottom of this proverbial cereal box if you read all the way...
We are all accustomed to launching into the familiar conversation opening and middle game. It's more complex than it seems if you think about it.. But it's like sharing toys in a toy box, informing your teammate about operational information, or gleaning information from the frenemy to be used against him in the court of groupthink.
You sometimes hear people lament that "everything is always about him". Sometimes there is a seeming lack of awareness of the counterpart in a conversation aside from being a mere absorber of words. It’s like the person is playing tennis against a wall, illustrating their perfect form, then waiting until your turn is over and doing it again. Or while its your turn on the slide they are too busy climbing the ladder to give a $$$$, peeling out down the runway where the jeans meets the plastic.
It’s a much studied and well known fact that sales mirroring, or emulating the body language, tone, and attitude of a potential client increases sales by over 30%. It's a form of subservience in a way and is the result of deep personal attention which is flattering. You can have a brilliant chess opening but if you don't react to your opponents moves you'll get scraped off the tarmac by one of the ones who mixes up the king and queen.
Some folks are well studied in the base form of flattery: laughing, smiling and almost physically placing the dominant male on top of them, as seen when colleagues act entirely differently towards their bosses than they would towards you in that situation. This is slightly nauseating but the reality is that people in a position of power are almost always biased against punishing their flatterers, as she's keeping a keen eye on those perceived as her potential competitors. This affects me owing not least to the dreaded “resting bitch face”.
I think that people who fail to generally empathize or make a meaningful attempt at connecting are usually not ‘in love with themselves’ as much as they ‘have something to prove’. Growing up in a Newport smokebox being harangued by squawking parents over the chanting of Jerry Springers studio audience might also help to achieve this ambiguous understanding of human nature.
I’ve learned from great examples in my life who made me feel very 'connected' just by asking questions and trying to understand my position, almost like they are trying to put themselves in my shoes- clarifying every detail to understand my perspective better. My closest friend for probably 15 years (and still close) Alex Lee is an expert at this, and much of my family has a practiced kindness that they radiate very effectively onto the unsuspecting: Marjorie Chapin, Gami Dadusc Maislin, Pamela Ames, for example- and my grandma David V Pankratz mom was a grandmaster as well.
Another type of powerful person is the stoic who doesn't say much but they consider carefully and take very meaningful and measured action which creates valuable influence and social currency.
As an artist I feel weird showing off my work because it's almost cornering people into feeling obligated to give me compliments which is unnatural. And I write "Thanks!" a lot even though the word has taken on a plastic feel-- Words are valuable in the right context, for example my uncle periodically shares my artwork with his intelligentsia in Hawaii. Thanks Dr. Hank Chapin!
Malcolm Gladwell talks about the ultra successful in #outliers (given to me courtesy of David Chapin) and points out the favorable conditions they just happened to have in life which incubated their success, but I actually rely on my observation that billionaires tend to be extremely personally connected to the concept of social reciprocity. Julius Caesar was feared since he was 15 by his families opposition in Rome even though his family were not particularly well placed patricians. "in this one Caesar I see many a Marius"- Dictator Lucius Cornelius Sulla 85bc. Good investors will invest in good companies and people- even if they're not skyrocketing on the NASDAQ index!
I think people get into the mindset that they’re on 1 track to getting somewhere and the equation to get there is a simple block on block strategy that cuts the fat wherever possible and leaves out the process of thinking about other people; returning favors is a concept they cant afford. There is no time for anyone but themself, not for the sake of self adulation, but to escape the hole into which they have been jettisoned by misfortune.
People are often leery of falling for respect out of the suspicion that someone wants something from them, which even if true is technically part of the game because if we spend all our money and get nothing in return, rationally we should stop spending our money. Of course there is room for pro bono altruism, but isn’t it best if it's publicized? Some people may just be so cynical about relying on people that they figure they’ll lose every penny they spend on social culture; underdogs of adversity expecting the hands out for their money. Every day is like opening up the spam folder and encountering enticing subject lines: “I’m not clicking on that!”
This very irritating circumstance springs to mind imagine you bend over backward for someone on bended knee on the shoulder of a leg of gravely highway all winter- getting nothing in return- and then they perceive the hint of a possible criticism and instantly react and unbalance the entire infrastructure you built.
Great leaders go to the lowest levels to learn about people and make an impression, this is well known and you often see it in military settings. The middle managers of our bureaucracy are steeped in pomp and circumstance and we ceremonially respect and fear them, allowing them to dictate the terms of our priorities in ways which can have tremendous positive influence.
The basic math of life sometimes puts individuals into a position where literally everyone in the group disrespects them; I will never allow this logic to go uncontested and honestly I don’t think you can credit someone for teaching you this basic fundamental of the respect for life.
Often good looking and outspoken people are ritually ostracized in social settings, as a balancing mechanism which keeps the heard from feeling oppressed. This often has the intended effect of causing a lingering self consciousness, as the prey scours the possible casues of this, not able to comprehend that his own value is what is being rebuffed (stolen?). This coincidentally gives these people more to prove.. I noticed this Thursday when we were working a 13 hour day and a truck operator came sauntering into the bay bellowing out confidence pronouncements and swaggering to and fro.. I had to look away. On the other hand often times the ugly or disfigured are celebrated; the group feels some humanity for humility and social graces developed in the absence of being a walking aphrodisiac.
It takes time and energy to consider a person and let them know that they are valued.. But when you play that game you're throwing money into a shared pot, and enlisting people to help you the old fashioned way. Basically this post is a long way of saying that I don't think "conceited" or "self centered" people always knowingly make others feel worthless. I think they just need a little surgery on the old rocket ship between the ears, which shouldn't take more than a few minutes...
I'm a ‘well known’ handshake critic, social commentator, and long facebook post maker. I notice and observe things which I find insightful, while in no way being an expert hand shaker (I sometimes request in advance that the shaker spare my brittle and elderly hand bones). Anyways this post is about some really exciting $$$$ and there's a prize at the bottom of this proverbial cereal box if you read all the way...
We are all accustomed to launching into the familiar conversation opening and middle game. It's more complex than it seems if you think about it.. But it's like sharing toys in a toy box, informing your teammate about operational information, or gleaning information from the frenemy to be used against him in the court of groupthink.
You sometimes hear people lament that "everything is always about him". Sometimes there is a seeming lack of awareness of the counterpart in a conversation aside from being a mere absorber of words. It’s like the person is playing tennis against a wall, illustrating their perfect form, then waiting until your turn is over and doing it again. Or while its your turn on the slide they are too busy climbing the ladder to give a $$$$, peeling out down the runway where the jeans meets the plastic.
It’s a much studied and well known fact that sales mirroring, or emulating the body language, tone, and attitude of a potential client increases sales by over 30%. It's a form of subservience in a way and is the result of deep personal attention which is flattering. You can have a brilliant chess opening but if you don't react to your opponents moves you'll get scraped off the tarmac by one of the ones who mixes up the king and queen.
Some folks are well studied in the base form of flattery: laughing, smiling and almost physically placing the dominant male on top of them, as seen when colleagues act entirely differently towards their bosses than they would towards you in that situation. This is slightly nauseating but the reality is that people in a position of power are almost always biased against punishing their flatterers, as she's keeping a keen eye on those perceived as her potential competitors. This affects me owing not least to the dreaded “resting bitch face”.
I think that people who fail to generally empathize or make a meaningful attempt at connecting are usually not ‘in love with themselves’ as much as they ‘have something to prove’. Growing up in a Newport smokebox being harangued by squawking parents over the chanting of Jerry Springers studio audience might also help to achieve this ambiguous understanding of human nature.
I’ve learned from great examples in my life who made me feel very 'connected' just by asking questions and trying to understand my position, almost like they are trying to put themselves in my shoes- clarifying every detail to understand my perspective better. My closest friend for probably 15 years (and still close) Alex Lee is an expert at this, and much of my family has a practiced kindness that they radiate very effectively onto the unsuspecting: Marjorie Chapin, Gami Dadusc Maislin, Pamela Ames, for example- and my grandma David V Pankratz mom was a grandmaster as well.
Another type of powerful person is the stoic who doesn't say much but they consider carefully and take very meaningful and measured action which creates valuable influence and social currency.
As an artist I feel weird showing off my work because it's almost cornering people into feeling obligated to give me compliments which is unnatural. And I write "Thanks!" a lot even though the word has taken on a plastic feel-- Words are valuable in the right context, for example my uncle periodically shares my artwork with his intelligentsia in Hawaii. Thanks Dr. Hank Chapin!
Malcolm Gladwell talks about the ultra successful in #outliers (given to me courtesy of David Chapin) and points out the favorable conditions they just happened to have in life which incubated their success, but I actually rely on my observation that billionaires tend to be extremely personally connected to the concept of social reciprocity. Julius Caesar was feared since he was 15 by his families opposition in Rome even though his family were not particularly well placed patricians. "in this one Caesar I see many a Marius"- Dictator Lucius Cornelius Sulla 85bc. Good investors will invest in good companies and people- even if they're not skyrocketing on the NASDAQ index!
I think people get into the mindset that they’re on 1 track to getting somewhere and the equation to get there is a simple block on block strategy that cuts the fat wherever possible and leaves out the process of thinking about other people; returning favors is a concept they cant afford. There is no time for anyone but themself, not for the sake of self adulation, but to escape the hole into which they have been jettisoned by misfortune.
People are often leery of falling for respect out of the suspicion that someone wants something from them, which even if true is technically part of the game because if we spend all our money and get nothing in return, rationally we should stop spending our money. Of course there is room for pro bono altruism, but isn’t it best if it's publicized? Some people may just be so cynical about relying on people that they figure they’ll lose every penny they spend on social culture; underdogs of adversity expecting the hands out for their money. Every day is like opening up the spam folder and encountering enticing subject lines: “I’m not clicking on that!”
This very irritating circumstance springs to mind imagine you bend over backward for someone on bended knee on the shoulder of a leg of gravely highway all winter- getting nothing in return- and then they perceive the hint of a possible criticism and instantly react and unbalance the entire infrastructure you built.
Great leaders go to the lowest levels to learn about people and make an impression, this is well known and you often see it in military settings. The middle managers of our bureaucracy are steeped in pomp and circumstance and we ceremonially respect and fear them, allowing them to dictate the terms of our priorities in ways which can have tremendous positive influence.
The basic math of life sometimes puts individuals into a position where literally everyone in the group disrespects them; I will never allow this logic to go uncontested and honestly I don’t think you can credit someone for teaching you this basic fundamental of the respect for life.
Often good looking and outspoken people are ritually ostracized in social settings, as a balancing mechanism which keeps the heard from feeling oppressed. This often has the intended effect of causing a lingering self consciousness, as the prey scours the possible casues of this, not able to comprehend that his own value is what is being rebuffed (stolen?). This coincidentally gives these people more to prove.. I noticed this Thursday when we were working a 13 hour day and a truck operator came sauntering into the bay bellowing out confidence pronouncements and swaggering to and fro.. I had to look away. On the other hand often times the ugly or disfigured are celebrated; the group feels some humanity for humility and social graces developed in the absence of being a walking aphrodisiac.
It takes time and energy to consider a person and let them know that they are valued.. But when you play that game you're throwing money into a shared pot, and enlisting people to help you the old fashioned way. Basically this post is a long way of saying that I don't think "conceited" or "self centered" people always knowingly make others feel worthless. I think they just need a little surgery on the old rocket ship between the ears, which shouldn't take more than a few minutes...